


You Can't Make Your Heart Feel Something It Won't

by jongchansooing



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Anyways, Canon Compliant, Confessions, Established Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Mentions of Sex, One-Sided Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love, i accidentally deleted a couple tags wow im dumb, i swear i love these boys, i will delete all these unnecessary tags at some point omg, i will update tags as i update the story, im depressed why did i write this, jongin breaks his own heart so much for taemin, jongin is just a sad boy again sighs why do i keep writing him like this, same with chankai, sekai cuddles bc im soft for them being all fond for each other, subtle mentions of past psychological trauma, taekai - Freeform, taemin is so fucking oblivious, taemin's the one crying this time, what r these tags again
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-23 07:33:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11985165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jongchansooing/pseuds/jongchansooing
Summary: In the real world, love is complicated and tough which makes it painful and difficult.It sucks learning that the hard way.alternatively, Jongin loves Taemin, but Taemin doesn't love Jongin, or at least Taemin thinks he doesn't?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> pardon any typos and stuff, i didn't feel like proofreading, oops,,
> 
> title from "I Can't Make You Love Me" by: Bonnie Raitt (fun fact: I wrote all of this while listening to this song, the Alex G version though.)
> 
> Enjoy and thank you for reading!!

   So there Jongin was again, lying in bed with Taemin holding him closely. It was dead silent aside of the quiet russells of the wind coming in through the window and the sounds of soft breathing--occasionally the bed creaked just a little when either of the two adjusted to get more comfortable. It was probably around two in the morning now that Jongin was thinking about it, a few hours of comfortable silence between the two. Or, well, as comfortable as  _this_ could be. For years they had been fooling themselves into thinking they found something solid and forever with each other. Foolish because feelings can never be solid and no one can last forever. At first things were fine, Jongin recalls the first several years being so magical, but they were just kids back then who barely even knew themselves. So how could they know what they wanted in another person? How could they know that the fire of their young love could burn out so easily? They hardly knew anything about it back then. Hell, they don't even know when things got this bad, or were they always this way? Jongin doesn't know--doesn't know anything anymore. Things lately were unbearably difficult since Jongin realized he needed more out of this--out of Taemin; things Taemin couldn't give Jongin. They danced around this for a few years now, and Jongin tried to be okay with it all; just going through the motions when it meant nothing to Taemin but everything to Jongin. These past few months Jongin had been feeling the effects, much too strongly, of allowing himself to be indulged into something that was less than what he deserved; a toxic relationship. And tonight was it for the younger of the two, Jongin couldn't keep running away from the issues because it hurt too much, the pain of caring for someone more than they care for you--unrequited love.   
  
   Taemin, seeming to sense Jongin was lost in thoughts since Jongin was doing one of his spaced-out habits of tracing shapes onto Taemin's body, decided to speak up, "Nini, what's-"  
  
   "Don't play dumb, Taemin," Jongin cut the other off, sighing.  
  
   Taemin looked at the ceiling then, nodding even though Jongin had his eyes closed and it was pitch black in the room since it was so late.  
  
   After a few moments Jongin spoke again, "And that's ... Just it then?"  
  
   "Jongin.." it was Taemin's turn to sigh now, "You know how I feel."  
  
   "Yeah?" Jongin asked, he was hoping Taemin would change his mind, that maybe Taemin could just magically feel something. Even maybe that Taemin was just hindering himself because he was scared or something of the sorts. Jongin knew it was pointless but that wouldn't stop him. No, it wouldn't stop him from giving up on man lying aside of him that he met years ago and somewhere along the way fell so deeply for.  
  
   "Yeah."   
  
   Jongin squeezed his eyes shut tighter, trying to focus more on the feeling of that and less on the sting of rejection coming back at Taemin's unwavering feelings.  
  
   "Listen, Jongin, I don't know what more you want me to say about it, I don't want to be with you like  _that,_ " Taemin went to make it crystal clear then seeing since Jongin fell silent, "I just don't love you--I'm not in love with you."  
  
   And hearing Taemin say it really hurt, yes, he's said it before when they have had talks about them. Taemin always explaining he's fine with fooling around with Jongin and the pair even basically acting like a couple over the years but Taemin always insisting he doesn't want to be with Jongin like that because he doesn't feel the same.   
  
   "And I'm not going to apologize for not feeling the same way you do because it's not my fault I don't feel the same way. I told you if you weren't okay with doing this anymore than just say so because I don't want to hurt you, you're my best friend. I love you, Jongin, I'm just not _in love with you._ "   
  
   Jongin pressed a finger to Taemin's lips then to shush him, "And I told you I would tell you when I'm not okay with this anymore. Now let's just go to sleep, yeah? We're both exhausted."  
  
   Taemin nodded again, mentally sighing when he realized that again, Jongin wouldn't be able to see it, "Sleep sounds good."

 **☽ ☪ ☾**  
  
   When Taemin woke up he sat up and stretched since he felt the bed was missing Jongin's presence. After rubbing his eyes and yawning is when Jongin spoke up from the doorway of the bedroom, "You're awake now."  
  
   Taemin squinted as he looked to see Jongin in the doorway, fully dressed and his hair looking a little wet--he had showered recently, "Yeah, I am, why are you up already? It's only," he looked to his phone, after picking it up, to see the time, "Eight in the morning."  
  
   "Because I'm going back to the dorm."   
  
   The way he spoke, it had the older a little confused. Jongin sounded.. disinterested and distant, cold even, "Why?" Taemin asked, rather dumbfounded until he remembered the talk they had before falling asleep and quickly tried to speak more, "Jongin, if this is about last night-"  
  
   "Yes, it is," Jongin started, "I thought about it, all morning long--I didn't sleep. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm not okay with  _this_ anymore. For awhile I thought I could be okay with it, but in reality all I've done is neglected myself for you. And it just hurts too much because  _I am_ in love with you. I thought for the longest time that maybe you just were holding back because of insecurities you might have because come on, we all get insecure sometimes. Or that maybe you just needed time to let your mind come to terms with your heart already knows. But I need to stop kidding myself; you can act like you love me all you want but we both know you don't. So I," Jongin closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, he had been trying hard not to cry but he felt his voice wavering, then after opening his eyes again and seeing Taemin who wore an expression of nervousness and concern and Jongin swore he could see a hint of guilt in the older at what he had just said, "I just need some time away from you. I need to get over you. I need to move on." he sighed then, they weren't even together but this felt so much like a breakup, "So, I'll see you around then at some point or another. Bye, Taemin." and with that he nodded a little awkwardly and turned around, leaving Taemin alone in his room.  
  
   As he made his way out of the apartment he tried taking deep breaths as he felt his heart sinking in the bottom of his stomach. There were tears threatening to fall from his watering eyes but he managed to keep the tears at bay as he made his way out and found himself walking to Chanyeol's car. He had called him before Taemin woke up and explained that he needed him to come pick him up and just wait a little until Jongin was done talking to Taemin. Coincidentally, after he got off the phone he made his way back to the bedroom to which he had found Taemin rubbing his eyes and yawning.  
  
   Meanwhile, Taemin was just left in his room, in complete and utter shock. The gravity of the words Jongin had left him with hadn't hit him yet. So he swallowed thickly and then got up, running his fingers through his hair and telling himself  _well, that was definitely not the first talk of the morning I was expecting to have with Jongin._ The faded, blue-dyed haired man chuckled at his attempts to make light of the situation as he was still trying to process it while heading to his bathroom to do his morning routine: washing his face, brushing his teeth, showering, getting dressed and then worrying about breakfast. It was weird how silent it was when he walked in, if Jongin were here him and Taemin would be talking each other's mouths off about nothing really in particular. First they'd discuss their dreams they had, if they remembered them. And that would last until about the time they were brushing their teeth, sometimes until they were done brushing their teeth. All the while they would be touching each other to some extent rather it be holding hands, arms wrapped around each other's waists or backs, holding each other's wrists, etc. Then they'd be giggling and laughing as they'd start the shower and get out a couple towels and finally getting into the shower, stealing kisses and making silly, corny jokes until things would end up getting a little too steamy and then they'd get each other off. Or when that wouldn't happen they'd make quick work of washing each other off and then getting out. Once dried off and back in Taemin's room, they'd pick out clothing for each other no matter if they had to be going out or not.   
  
   This time, though, everything was different. Taemin felt uneasy about how quiet it was and how chilly he felt without Jongin's body next to his own. The bathroom seemed so much bigger now--lonely now. Taemin brushed his teeth in silence; even though he wasn't wearing anything, he felt so much more naked now without Jongin aside of him. And then showering felt weird, there was so much more space in here too. After drying off and walking back to his bedroom he went to the drawer and was surprised to see that the collection of Jongin's clothing that he had kept here was all gone. Taemin realized that out of habit he was going to pick the younger's outfit for the day out. Awkwardly shifting his gaze around a few times he picked something out for himself. Now that he was dressed he made his way to the kitchen, anxiously staring at his apartment as he made the short walk, the place feeling so empty and honestly a little sad without Jongin's lively presence. Back then Jongin would be dragging Taemin down to the kitchen and then the two would make something for themselves if they had time. The two would take turns feeding each other since they would make a meal for the other--not themselves--and then feed the other the food they made for them. Now that Taemin is thinking about it, that was really domestic of them. But also Taemin is entering the kitchen which is equally devoid of Jongin as the rest of this place. Suddenly, Taemin doesn't even feel hungry, there's a funny feeling in his stomach. Regardless, he decides not to think of that and instead goes to the fridge, "Hey, Nini, what do you want to eat?" he says then turns around when he doesn't hear anything after a few seconds, "Oh," he closed the fridge and walks over to the table in the middle of the kitchen, it hits him when he had momentarily forgotten that Jongin left since he had been busy reflecting on when home felt like home.  
  
   Taemin's now grasping the table then with wide eyes as the reality sets in. This feeling in his stomach? He's hurting--he's feeling heartbroken. Why? Because Jongin just _left_ him and presumably took all his things--Jongin was serious about all of this. Did Taemin just lose his best friend? How had he been so oblivious? Jongin was hurting and faking being fine for the both of them. Taemin bites his lip as he does feel a little guilty, unintentionally hurting his closest and most dearest. And he starts feeling a wetness on his face that takes him a few seconds to realize he's crying. This is his home but without Jongin none of it feels right; this doesn't feel like home anymore. Taemin's finding it hard to breathe, his chest hurts now too, a lot. He chokes down a sob and feels confused, he  _doesn't_  love Jongin the way Jongin does--or is it _did_ now?--so why does his heart feel like it's being torn in two at the realization that Jongin  _chose_ to leave Taemin unlike the other times where it's their jobs that tear them away. Yes Taemin would miss Jongin then but he knew Jongin would be back. This time? Jongin said this was over and that he needed time away, hell, he even said  _bye, Taemin._ He didn't understand why he was freaking out so much over this. Taemin then stumbled back to his room to pick his phone up and call Kibum, he was good at the whole emotions things, he would know what to make of all of Taemin's current inner turmoil.   
  
   As the line was ringing Taemin kept playing it over and over in his head, Jongin saying bye and then the awkward nodding and him then walking out of sight and leaving. Taemin felt new tears making their way down his face, he didn't even try to stop Jongin.   
  
  "Taemin-ah-" Kibum answers, a little unsure since this call just out of the blue, but ultimately he's cut off anyways because Taemin's talking already, cutting him off.  
  
   Taemin, off in his own world so he didn't notice Kibum saying his name, is just rambling now as he's thought himself into a panic, "Oh my god," he took a sharp breath, his voice shaky as he just can't stop crying now, and hard, "I didn't even stop him, I just let him go. I- I didn't do anything! Why didn't I say something?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongin is reminded that not every day has to hurt when healing.  
> Taemin is reminded that forgetting isn't how you recover. 
> 
> Both take an understanding in the fact that love really is blind.

   The car ride was quiet; Chanyeol hoping Jongin would say something and Jongin hoping he wouldn't ever have to talk again. Chanyeol hadn't always been the best at this--knowing when and then also being able to be delicate when someone was clearly in distress. He was always the kind of guy to crack jokes and make a fool of himself to lighten things up. Emotional comfort with saying the right words and doing the right things just has never been what Chanyeol's good at. So when Chanyeol heard Jongin's shaky breathing and glanced over to see his younger friend crying--quietly--he knew he would have to fight through the awkwardness of not particularly knowing how to handle whatever was going on with Jongin. It wasn't like Chanyeol was completely clueless, he just knew where his strengths and weaknesses lie, and this? This wasn't a strength.  
  
   With a small sigh, Chanyeol pulled the car over to the side of the road and placed a hand on Jongin's shoulder, "Talk to me," seeing that Jongin was clearly confused and not meeting Chanyeol's gaze, the older continued, "You called me and I still don't understand why you needed me to pick you up? Taemin could have easily dropped you off? And now you've been in my car nearly twenty minutes and haven't said a word to me. You have a lot of stuff in my trunk and you're crying." He stated, seeing as Jongin was nodding and biting his lip as he looked down at his lap. Chanyeol sighed again, "Did you two have a fight? Things look rough if my loaded trunk and you looking like shit are any indication."  
  
   Jongin grimaced, soon enough holding an expression of a wounded puppy. Chanyeol bit his bottom lip, quickly realizing he might have been insensitive by how he worded that, "Jongin," he started again, speaking softly, "I didn't mean to upset you more, uhh, I'm just not really that good with handling these situations." he scratched the back of his head, looking at the clock on the radio that faintly illuminated the dashboard a light yet dull blue color. Then he raised his head as he dropped his hand back down to his lap, looking over to where his other hand stayed gently grasping Jongin's shoulder. His eyes shifted up to Jongin's then, he younger still having his gaze fixed on his lap, "Jonginnie, look at me, please." Chanyeol pleaded.  
  
   Hesitant for a few moments, Jongin eventually did look at the older, meeting his eyes. Chanyeol frowned and moved his hand from Jongin's shoulder to his face, wiping his tears away. At first, Jongin was surprised but only briefly because he rested his cheek against the older's hand once he was done wiping the tears. He even smiled a little when Chanyeol made a face, complaining about how gross his feels now that it's all wet with tears. The pinkish-purple haired man never could resist ruining the mood, even if it was unintentional. In his defense, Chanyeol was trying to be here for Jongin--in his own way, even trying to do things differently just for Jongin's benefit. It was endearing honestly, as Jongin looked at Chanyeol who was now trying his usual attempts at cheering others up by him being a goofball.   
  
   Once Chanyeol pulled up to park at their dormitory complex, Jongin spoke up then, feeling a bit more calm now but still immensely hurting, "I don't really know what Taemin and I were because we definitely were  _something,_ " Jongin took a deep breath, closing his eyes and instantly recalling the talk they had last night before Taemin fell asleep up until his last words to Taemin, "But I broke it off with him because I realized I was holding on to something that wasn't really ever there." he opened his eyes then, fresh, warm tears welling up in his eyes as he looked over to the other who was staring back at him, "Chanyeol, I love him,  _I love him,_ but even after all these years of being whatever the hell we were, he doesn't feel the same. He doesn't and he never did."  
  
     **☽ ☪ ☾**  
  
   "Taemin! Slow down! What are you going on about?!" Kibum almost panicked by how hysteric his friend was right now.  
  
   "But- but Kibummie.. I.. He's gone, Nini's gone and I-"  
  
   "What? What do you mean Jongin's gone?" Kibum cut Taemin off.  
  
   "He packed all his stuff and said he needs some space and now he's just.. I didn't even stop him I just let him walk out of here! I let him walk right on out and.."   
  
   Kibum decided this would be the best time to interrupt Taemin again seeing since the younger was just brokenly repeating himself in shock apparently, "What happened?"  
  
   Taemin was quiet for a few moments as he tried to recollect himself enough to answer that. And when he did calm himself he felt that horrible pain of his heart breaking all again, "He's done with loving me when I don't love him back, not in the way he loves me. He said he can't keep hurting himself over me anymore, that he needs to stop deluding himself into thinking that I share his feelings. So he needs time away from me to get over me and move on." he clutched at his chest again, feeling like it was being crushed with recalling the last two words again that Jongin said, "Kibum, he said  _bye, Taemin_ and then he walked out.." he spoke meekly.  
  
   "Taemin, what are you doing calling me then?"  
  
   "What-"  
  
   Kibum sighed, "If you don't love him then this shouldn't be that big of a deal. Wonsik and you are close, you could always meet up with him if he's not busy. Or myself or Jinki, Jonghyun, or Minho. Jongin's not the only friend you have and plenty of friends have breaks. It's not like he's going away forever, Jongin just needs time to let himself emotionally detach from you so he doesn't feel so horrible everytime he sees you or thinks about you or discusses you. Our emotions--our feelings--can overrule logic and reason when we feel strongly about something or someone. Jongin will come around when he's ready and you two might go back to being best friends again. Or maybe you two won't be friends anymore. Who knows what he'll come to decide on."  
  
   "This is a big deal though," Taemin speaks quietly, "Everything hurts, Kibum, I feel like I can't breathe and I can't stop crying. I don't love him though, so why does it feel like my heart is breaking?"  
  
   "Taemin, have you ever considered that maybe you do love him?" And after a few moments of silence, the older continued, "I mean, most people who are just friends don't see each other as much as humanly possible when they aren't busy with other obligations. Most don't go out to find each other in a crowded room and then cling to each other for dear life. Most don't steal glances and smile so fondly and knowingly every chance they get. Don't hold each other's hands and bodies so close all the time. Don't caress each other so lovingly and have so many lingering touches. Don't kiss and do far much more than that. Don't only just see each other when you lock eyes as if the rest of the world disappears. Most friends don't do everything that shows being in a relationship and being in love with someone who understands you so deeply you might as well be soul mates but claim you're just friends. Hell, Taemin, you two would go on dates all the time, buy each other flowers and jewelry and games and all the other stuff you have phoned me up about or showed me when I would visit you or whatever. Taemin, I didn't think I would have to spell it out to you but you, Lee Taemin, are deeply in love with Kim Jongin. I mean come on, you aren't  _that_ oblivious Taeminnie, shit."  
  
   "I- I'm in love with Jongin?" Taemin questions.  
  
   "Yes, you are." Kibum rolls his eyes.  
  
   "But, no, no no! I'm not!"  
  
   "Listen, if you don't want to come to terms with that yet, fine. But figure your feelings out soon, because if you take too long you might miss your chance. Feelings won't be lost, but there comes a time when the feelings just aren't enough to make things work. If you really don't love Jongin, then just try to consider him doing the things you two have but with someone else. Someone who knows what they want and is able to reciprocate his feelings. Because if that does happen, he won't be that way with you anymore. So if you're perfectly fine with him giving what he gave to you to someone else and that someone else being the one to give him what he needs and wants then you really aren't in love with him. But if it does hurt, then you go make things right with Jongin."  
  
   Taemin heard Kibum hang up on him after he got done saying all that. So Taemin did think about it all, sat in his room staring at the ceiling, "Do I..love Jongin?" He asked no one in particular, especially since he was all by himself in his room.  
  
     **☽ ☪ ☾  
  
**    Jongin was welcomed in by his group mates when he stepped inside, carrying his things and Chanyeol helping him by taking everything from him and dumping it in Jongin's room. Jongin, not having been feeling up to explaining why he looked like he hadn't slept and had been crying, told them he had a long night and wanted to get some rest. After stumbling into his room and nearly tripping over his stuff that Chanyeol ever so 'gracefully' set down here, Jongin made his way to lay down on his bed. Eventually he gave up on trying to rest after several hours, sleep avoiding him like the plague. Instead, Jongin found his way out to the kitchen where he was met by Sehun, Junmyeon, Jongdae and Minseok. The latter three were making dinner, Sehun was just sitting at the counter doing whatever on his phone. Sitting aside he younger, he rested his head on Sehun's shoulder, "What are you up to?" Jongin looked up at Sehun from the other's shoulder.  
  
   "Nothing much, just reading, messaging Yixing-hyung a bit too; he's quite busy currently though." Sehun answered, resting his head on top of Jongin's when he finished speaking, locking his phone and putting it in his pocket, "You sleep well?"  
  
   "Nope, couldn't fall asleep." Jongin sighed.  
  
   "Maybe you're just hungry." Sehun tried reasoning.  
  
   "Maybe."   
  
   Soon enough dinner was done and all eight of them found purchase in the living room; Minseok, Jongdae, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Kyungsoo sat on their L-shaped couch, Junmyeon residing on the recliner, leaving Jongin and Sehun to the other recliner, Sehun sitting on the arm on the chair while Jongin was sat on the seat properly. They ate in relative silence aside of some film they had playing on the television. Jongin admitted to himself that eating did help a little bit; as soon as everyone was done eating and dishes and what not were taken care of, everyone continued to watch the film together. Jongin had pulled Sehun into his lap and held the younger close to him. Sehun was happy to cuddle into the older and before they knew it they were dozing off. Their only way of knowing they hadn't been awake anymore was when they were woken up by Jongdae after the film was over and everyone was heading off to do whatever else. Jongin asked Sehun to wait up a few more minutes for him so Sehun said he'd go take a shower then.  
  
   Knocking on Chanyeol's door, Jongin was granted entrance into the taller, older male's room by Chanyeol of course, "What's up?" Chanyeol tilted his head, smiling softly at Jongin after turning his bedside lamp on.  
  
   "I just wanted to thank you, for earlier," Jongin's voice was so soft.  
  
   "Aish, it was nothing. I'm always here for you--we all are here for you."  
  
   The black haired male smiled bashfully and lowered his head, "I'm grateful, for all of you. You're all family to me, you know?"  
  
   Chanyeol walked over to Jongin and ruffled his hair a bit, smiling big down at him, "Oh, I know, we all do."   
  
   Jongin looked up at Chanyeol and his smile kept up before the two told each other goodnight, Chanyeol also saying how he wishes the best for Jongin and that he can talk to him or any of the others about this if things prove to become more difficult. And as Jongin closed the older's door behind him as he made his way down to Sehun's room, he thought to himself that things definitely will get worse. He's snuggled up under Sehun's covers on his bed, and he drifts off but ends up waking back up when he feels someone--Sehun--moving around on the bed and moving the covers over his body. Jongin knows it's Sehun in a matter of seconds, turning to cuddle up to the younger which Sehun allows. Then the two fall asleep; so, yeah, things will get worse but not tonight. Tonight Jongin will be okay.  
  
     **☽ ☪ ☾**  
  
   Taemin was not okay, he had been thinking things over for two weeks and he was now entertaining the idea that he might be in love with Jongin. All he couldn't figure out is if he is in love with him, why had he needed it pointed out to him? He was more confused than he had ever been. He needed answers, but he didn't know how to acquire them. It was irritating Taemin that he was so out of touch with his emotions--with himself.   
  
   "I say you should call him, tell him you need to talk to him. Let him know how you're feeling and see if he's willing to work with you through this. Maybe Jongin will help you see something you didn't before." Kibum suggested, Taemin ended up calling him again.  
  
   "Do you think he'll want to talk to me again? So soon? I just.. I'm not sure.."  
  
   "Well, you won't know until you try."  
  
   Taemin nodded, then realized that once again he was nodding to someone who couldn't presently see him nodding.  
  
   "Do it, Taemin. In the morning. Arrange a time to meet and then talk it out."  
  
   And before Taemin could say anything, Kibum hung up on him. So this was it for Taemin; tomorrow he would call Jongin up and figure things out with him. If it was what Jongin wanted to do as well, hell, Taemin didn't even want to think about Jongin not wanting to hear him out. If anyone could help Taemin figure this out it would be Jongin, but it's complicated seeing since he doesn't know if Jongin is even going to pick up the phone when Taemin will call. He doesn't know how Jongin feels, Jongin had been adamant about keeping away from Taemin. The older of these two ended up falling asleep from exhaustion around four in the morning and then waking up at a little before eleven in the morning. He brushed his teeth, showered, got dressed and ate before he came back to his room. Eyes barely able to be taken away from his phone while he was making his bed. He had been avoiding this enough. So, with a sigh, Taemin picked up his phone. As Taemin was scrolling through the numbers until he got to Jongin's he kept thinking back to when he was younger, back to something he had never told anyone about. He had been thinking about it a lot the past couple weeks as he had been trying to figure out why he wouldn't have realized his feelings for Jongin. Taemin had to shake these thoughts away, he didn't know why he kept bringing these repressed memories back. He also didn't know that he had pressed call until he heard the second ring, it startling him in all honesty.   
  
    _Ring-ring._  
    _Ring-ring._  
 _Ring-ring._  
  
   Taemin thought Jongin wasn't going to answer, and he was kind of hoping Jongin wouldn't. These memories wouldn't stay gone, they kept creeping back and now he was shaking a lot. The memories he buried away a long time ago of when he was-  
  
   "..Taemin?"   
  
   "Jongin, we- we need to talk. Today. Come over to my place. Please- Please hurry, I- I have things I need to tell you. Things I should have told you a long time ago."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't want to say goodbye.  
> All that's left for me is your deep scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oops I thought I still had another day left before it was a week since last updating,,,, sorry if this is rushed
> 
> Anyways,,,
> 
> Enjoy and thank you for reading!!

    _"Jongin, we- we need to talk. Today. Come over to my place. Please- Please hurry, I- I have things I need to tell you. Things I should have told you a long time ago."  
  
_     _"I- okay. I'm on my way now."_  
  


* * *

  
   Jongin let those words run through his head as Chanyeol had drove him back here; to Taemin's place. All too soon he was disrupted from his though too soon.  
  
   "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" Chanyeol chewed on his lip nervously.  
  
   "Yeollie, I appreciate your concern, but I have to do this. He sounded like he was panicking, at the least I need to make sure he's okay and not going to hurt himself." Jongin rested his head against the window as he looked out at the car parked aside of them.  
  
   "Do you really think he's going to hurt himself?"  
  
   "Not really, but I don't know.. He just sounded fragile." Jongin sighed, "Taemin is a lot of things, but fragile is not among them."  
  
   "Do you want me to wait in the parking lot here-"  
  
   "I'll be fine, Chanyeol. I'll call if I need you to come pick me back up."  
  
   The older looked at him in shock, "What- you're planning on staying with him?"  
  
   Jongin turned to face Chanyeol, a little taken back, "It sounds like he wants to have a serious talk, those aren't usually over in a few minutes." he shook his head, "We're all adults here, please don't treat me like this. I can make my own decisions."   
  
   "I didn't mean to make you feel like you don't know what you're doing." The older sighed, "I just.. don't want you to get hurt again."  
  
   The younger's expression softened, "I'm sorry, I know you worry, Yeollie, I'll be careful though, okay?"  
  
       **☽ ☪ ☾**  
  
   Careful was definitely not what he was though, as soon as he knocked on the door Taemin had it open in seconds. And what did Jongin do? Heavily restrain himself from tackling Taemin to the floor and smothering him in kisses. Maybe this would be more difficult than he thought. Taemin, though, pulled Jongin into his arms and closed the door, pushing Jongin against the door then and resting his forehead against Jongin's, "I lied." Was all Taemin said, closing his eyes and trying to keep his breathing even so he wouldn't cry again.  
  
   "About?" Jongin swallowed thickly then, being this close to Taemin made his head spin. Trying to get over this boy just hadn't been going well. He still felt the same about Taemin, he didn't want to get over him in a honesty; he never did.  
  
   "A lot of things." Taemin sighed, gripping Jongin's biceps tightly, "Let me explain though, please. I'm ready to the you the truth. To tell you everything."  
  
   "Go ahead then, you have my attention."  
  
   "I love you. I _do_ love you. Jongin, I _am_ in love with you. After a lot of time alone spent thinking, I know I do. You were right, I was just not allowing myself to have this, to have us, to have you," He opened his eyes, looking into Jongin's, "because of some things.." he trailed off, not sure how to talk about this. He even let go of Jongin's arms and turned around. Taemin began walking away, further into his apartment, running his fingers through his hair as he took a deep breath.  
  
   "Because of what?" Jongin bit his lip, following Taemin into his room.   
  
   "Because I have some heavy baggage I've been trying to forget about for years." he sighed as he plopped down on his bed. He moved to sit up then when he realized Jongin wasn't getting on the bed with him. So, Taemin took a hold of the back of Jongin's knee and pulled the younger over to him. Jongin made a yelping noise and balanced himself by holding onto Taemin's shoulders as Taemin wrapped his arms around Jongin and had his legs spread out so Jongin could stand between them.  
  
   "Taemmie, please, just tell me." he pleaded, pouting even a he began to play with Taemin's hair.  
  
   "My parents never really loved each other." he sighed, "They would scream at each other and call each nasty things. They even would hit each other. They also hurt my brother and I." he pulled Jongin closer and buried his face in the younger's abdomen, "I thought that's what it meant to love someone, and if that was what love meant, I wanted nothing to do with it. Then you entered my life and loved me, fell in love with me, and I was confused at why you would call it love when you were so fond and good to me. I tried blocking those memories of my parents out and busied myself with dancing and singing and eveything else; I became so good too! I thought as long as I told myself I didn't love you we would be okay. I was scared I would hurt you if I allowed us to be anything more than what we were. I thought I wasn't able to love without it ending up being abusive like my parents. But in the end I failed because I hurt you anyways," Taemin sighed, "I'm sorry. I was trying to run from my issues and pretend they didn't exist. I don't want to lose you, Jongin, please."    
  
   "Look at me," and Taemin did, tears falling from his eyes, "You could never lose me. I love you, I haven't been doing good at getting over you." he wiped the tears away from Taemin's face, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Taemmie, that's horrible, but you're away from that now. You're okay. I've got you."  
  
   "Jongin?"  
  
   "Yes?"  
  
   "Will you move in with me?" and he continued when he saw Jongin's surprised expression, "I want to be with you. I want to be your boyfriend. I want to give you everything I should have been over the years. You basically lived here for years but it was unofficial. I want to do better now, to be better now."  
  
   "Taemin- that's a lot to think about-"  
  
   The older frowned as he stood up, hands resting on Jongin's hips now, "It is?"  
  
   "You really want this--want me?"   
  
   "Absolutely." Taemin leaned in then, lips ever so close to Jongin's.  
  
   "Only if you're-"  
  
   He was cut off by Taemin kissing him, Jongin's hands resting against Taemin's chest, "I'm sure."  
  
   Jongin smiled at Taemin then, "I'm glad you are. I hate missing you."  
  
   Taemin smiled then too, hugging Jongin tightly in his arms and sighing softly, "I can't promise things are going to be perfect. I'm most likely going to be a wreck-"  
  
   "I know," Jongin interrupted, "But we'll figure it out. One day at a time."  
  
   Taemin nodded as the two pulled from the hug, holding hands now, "One day at a time."

**Author's Note:**

> dm me or tweet me on twitter @uhhhthanks if you wanna talk to me or if you wanna suggest things for me to write about or to just see what's up with me and the things i write!!


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